Well, the results are in. After employing the services of two doctors, an audiologist, two ENTs, two radiologists, a chiropractor, a naturopath, a dentist, and a small army of supporting professionals (nurses, phlebotomists, lab technicians, and those people who hide your medical records where the doctor can’t find them) I discovered that my hearing loss is due to ninjas. Or not. Nobody knows. Roughly six-hundred and eighty collective years of medical school looked into my ear and shrugged. For all they know, my humors may be out of balance and I require a good bleeding next time the moon is full.
Why do I always get the medical mystery ninja diseases?
I’m not alone. One day a good friend of mine was walking across the parking lot and her nose began to bleed. What seemed like a low-grade nose failure became something far more serious when it refused to stop bleeding. She went to the hospital where, despite all the advances in medical science, they could not stop a nose bleed. (This happened before Obama-care, but feel free to blame the government if it makes you feel better.)
My friend ended up in the intensive care unit for four days. She nearly died because of a NOSE BLEED.
Eventually, the doctors cauterized the blood vessels in her nose to stop the bleeding. They charged in with the Nose-a-Tron 5000 Nasal Immolater. If it carried blood, and it was in her nose, it got zapped.
This caused the end of my friend’s nose to… well… die. You read that right. The end of her nose died and fell off. What is this, the pioneer days? There is so much failure in that story, I don’t even know where to begin.
I have another friend who was told that a bone in her foot died. The doctors don’t know why. It just died. When she asked how to prevent other bones from dying ahead of schedule, the medical professionals had no answers. Don’t let your bones take up smoking, I guess.
And now I am experiencing the most bizarre symptom of all time: My allergies failed to show up. For as long as I have lived in the County of Yolo, my allergies arrived with the pollen-filled winds of Spring. My eyes would swell to blood-red slits, and instead of breathing I would sneeze repeatedly. Air filters, tissues and pharmaceuticals slowed the stream of fluids shooting out of my face. But nothing stopped it entirely.
Until this year.
A normal person would be happy about this. They might think that they got over their allergies, or that the pollen count was low. But I am not a normal person. And the pollen count is at apocalyptic highs. This isn’t a blessing. It is a symptom.
I should have allergies. My kids are little snot-beasts. I see the pollen forming an allergen slick on the surface of my pool. But my sniffles are few and far between.
It’s ridiculous, really. For years I had to choose between drowning in mucus and chasing the Sudafed dragon. Then along came Claritin, which allowed me to enjoy the Spring time without being stoned out of my skull (my green, sticky skull). And when Claritin suddenly stopped working, FloNase picked up the slack.
I was never completely wrecked by allergies, like some people are. My next door neighbor finally sold his house and moved away because of Davis allergies.
And then there is the strange case of Mr. Jasper Lawrence. He was so completely devastated by allergies that he infected himself with hookworms.
You read that right.
Mr. Lawrence read that people who live in places where hookworm infections are common are unlikely to develop asthma. So he did the only logical thing. He flew to Africa and infected himself with hookworms. Seriously. He traveled from village to village and stood barefoot in the local… well… poop. After a few weeks of barefoot tour de feces, he was indeed infected with hook worms.
And (allegedly) his allergies went away.
I only know this because he touts this as an allergy cure. He sells his medical-grade hookworms on line. You can guess where he gets them. Yup. He grows his own, if you will.
And I understand what this means to me. Clearly, I should not rejoice at the disappearance of my allergies. I should worry that I have been infested with blood-sucking hookworms.
Hookworms. Obviously they are chewing on the nerves in my ear.